Helping Boys Grow Beyond Toxic Masculinity
In recent years, conversations about masculinity have become more open and reflective, especially when it comes to raising boys. Boys are struggling. As boys grow into adulthood, rates of loneliness, depression, and isolation among young men continue to rise, even as they work hard to live up to cultural ideas of what it means to “be a man.” At the heart of this struggle is something powerful but often unseen: toxic masculinity.
What Is Toxic Masculinity?
Toxic masculinity does not mean that masculinity itself is bad. It refers to the unhealthy beliefs and behaviours that some boys learn about what it means to be male. These lessons can sound like:
“Men don’t cry.”
“Never show weakness.”
“Always be in control.”
“Don’t be a girl.”
From an early age, boys receive messages from peers, media, sports, and sometimes even family that discourage openness and vulnerability. Over time, these messages form a quiet set of rules about what strength should look like. The problem is that these rules often teach boys to hide emotions, to see empathy as weakness, and to measure their worth by comparison to others.
This pressure creates a constant inner voice that whispers, “You’re not enough.”
How Toxic Masculinity Damages Relationships and Well-Being
The effects of toxic masculinity reach far beyond the individual. They influence how boys relate to friends, family, and the women in their lives, often leading to disconnection and confusion about how to truly connect.
Friendships
Many boys grow up believing that closeness or vulnerability with other boys isn’t “cool.” As a result, friendships can become built around joking, competition, or shared activities that never touch on deeper feelings. Without emotional connection, boys can feel lonely even when they are surrounded by people. Over time, this pattern can leave young men without the support they need to face life’s challenges.
Relationships with Women and Girls
Toxic masculinity can affect how boys see and relate to women. When dominance and control are seen as strengths, empathy and equality can feel uncomfortable. Some boys may learn to dismiss emotions as “feminine” and therefore less important, which can make it harder to form healthy, balanced relationships. These patterns often continue into adulthood, shaping romantic partnerships and family dynamics in painful ways, and can be emotionally crippling when the women in their lives earn more or have careers with percieved higher status.
The Inner Struggle
Perhaps the hardest part of toxic masculinity is the way it turns inward. Boys begin to judge themselves against unrealistic standards. They question whether they are strong enough, successful enough, or “manly” enough. The fear of being seen as weak can create deep shame and isolation.
As men grow older, this pressure can lead to loneliness. Male friendships often fade, emotional conversations become rare, and many men find themselves without meaningful connection. What starts as a learned behaviour in childhood can quietly shape a lifetime of emotional distance.
Recognizing That Toxic Masculinity Is Learned
The hopeful truth is that toxic masculinity is not something a boy is born with. It is learned through culture and environment. This means it can be unlearned.
Once boys understand that these beliefs are not part of who they truly are, they can begin to build something different. They can grow into a version of masculinity that feels authentic, caring, and confident. This realization opens the door to a healthier and more balanced way of being.
What Healthy Masculinity Looks Like
Healthy masculinity is not about rejecting strength or independence. It is about balance. It’s about blending courage with compassion, confidence with humility, and leadership with care.
A boy who grows into healthy masculinity learns that:
Strength includes the ability to be vulnerable.
Courage includes asking for help when it’s needed.
Leadership includes empathy and listening.
Real confidence comes from knowing and accepting oneself.
Healthy masculinity allows men to connect deeply with others without fear. It nurtures emotional intelligence, builds strong friendships, and creates mutual respect in relationships. Most importantly, it helps men feel comfortable being their whole selves.
How We Can Nurture Healthy Masculinity
Supporting boys as they develop healthy masculinity takes intention and care. It involves helping them unlearn harmful patterns and replace them with more supportive ones.
Here are some ways parents, mentors, and counsellors can help:
Model Emotional Expression
Boys learn by watching. When fathers, mentors, and male role models express vulnerability or affection, it shows that strength and sensitivity can exist together.Encourage Emotional Literacy
Help boys name and understand what they feel. When they can identify sadness, anger, fear, or joy, they gain the ability to manage emotions in healthy ways.Challenge Harmful Messages
When boys hear phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry,” take time to talk about them. Ask what those words mean and whether they are helpful or hurtful.Create Safe Spaces for Connection
Encourage friendships that are honest and kind. Group activities, shared projects, and open conversations can build trust and empathy.Reinforce Self-Worth Beyond Achievement
Celebrate who a boy is, not just what he does. Recognize kindness, curiosity, and creativity as signs of strength.Seek Professional Support When Needed
Sometimes boys need a neutral, safe space to explore their feelings. Counselling can help them understand themselves and build confidence in who they are.
How Harbour Family Counselling Supports Boys
At Harbour Family Counselling, we understand how difficult it can be for boys to navigate the expectations placed on them. We work with boys and young men to help them explore their emotions, develop self-awareness, and build a healthy sense of identity.
Our counsellors create a calm, supportive environment where boys can speak freely and be heard without judgment. We also offer a highly effective 8 week course for children 8-11 that teaches emotion regulation, resilience and strategies for deeling with big feelings.
We also offer a parenting program that teaches skills and encourage healthy child development so you can support your boy at home.
Our goal is simple: to help boys grow into men who are emotionally secure, compassionate, and capable of forming meaningful relationships. We believe that masculinity can be strong, gentle, and deeply human.
A Hopeful Path Forward
When boys learn that their emotions are not weaknesses but part of what makes them human, they begin to grow into men who can lead with both heart and courage. Healthy masculinity is not about proving anything. It is about becoming who you truly are.
At Harbour Family Counselling, we walk alongside boys and families on that journey. Together, we help them build a foundation of strength, empathy, and connection that lasts a lifetime.
