Understanding How Trauma Passes Through Families
Every family carries a story. Some of those stories are filled with warmth, safety, and connection. Others include pain that was never spoken aloud, patterns that were never questioned, and emotional wounds that quietly shaped the way love and trust were expressed. Trauma, when left unprocessed, can move through generations. It can show up in the way we react to stress, how we relate to our children, how we express emotions, and even in the beliefs we hold about ourselves and others.
Many people come to therapy thinking their struggles began with them. They may feel confused about why they are so reactive in certain situations, why anxiety shows up without a clear reason, or why certain dynamics in their family keep repeating themselves. When we begin to look closer, we often find that these experiences are rooted in something older — something passed down not just through stories, but through silence, through nervous systems, through the way love was given or withheld.
This is what we call intergenerational trauma. It refers to the emotional pain and coping patterns that are handed down from one generation to the next. Sometimes the original trauma is big and obvious — a war, a death, an addiction, a period of abuse or neglect. Other times, it is more subtle — emotional suppression, chronic stress, or a deep sense of fear that was never named. Over time, this trauma becomes part of the family’s emotional DNA, even when the details are forgotten.
One of the most common ways trauma shows up across generations is through relationships. A parent who was raised in a home where emotions were not safe to express may struggle to comfort their own child when they cry. A grandparent who lived through displacement or loss may pass down a sense of hypervigilance or scarcity. These responses are not intentional. Often, they are unconscious attempts to protect the next generation from pain. But without reflection and healing, they can become limiting, even harmful.
Therapy for intergenerational trauma helps families bring these patterns into the light. It is not about blaming previous generations. It is about understanding the impact of what happened and choosing how to move forward. In counselling, we explore the stories you know and the ones you may not. We talk about the emotional messages you received growing up — what was allowed to be felt, what was punished, what was ignored. We look at the roles people played in the family and how those roles shaped your view of yourself and others.
This work is emotional and often layered. It may stir up sadness, anger, or even resistance. But it is also incredibly freeing. When you understand where your reactions come from, you gain the power to change them. When you recognize the emotional load you inherited, you get to decide which parts to carry and which ones to put down. And when you do that work, you begin to change the story for the next generation.
One of the most beautiful things about therapy for intergenerational trauma is that it allows families to reconnect with compassion. When you see your parent not just as the person who hurt you, but as someone who may have also been hurting, it opens space for empathy. When you recognize that your child is reacting to a pattern you now understand, you can respond with more patience and less fear. This does not mean excusing harmful behaviour. It means acknowledging the context while still holding space for your own healing.
In family therapy, these conversations unfold gently. There is room for everyone’s experience. Sometimes, therapy begins with just one person who wants to do things differently. Other times, multiple family members come together to talk through the pain that has lived between them. Either way, the goal is to create safety — emotionally, relationally, and across generations.
Healing from intergenerational trauma does not mean forgetting the past. It means facing it with openness and courage. It means learning to sit with difficult emotions and respond in new ways. It means saying no to the belief that pain has to be passed down just because it was handed to you.
Families who engage in this work often report feeling lighter. They begin to understand themselves and each other more clearly. They find new ways to speak to one another, to comfort each other, to name emotions without shame. The shift may not be dramatic at first. It might look like one calmer bedtime, one less argument, one moment of connection that feels new and real. But over time, these small changes add up. They create a new emotional pattern — one built on intention, not reaction.
If your family has experienced long-standing tension, emotional disconnection, or repeated patterns that seem hard to break, therapy can help. You do not need to carry what was passed down. You can choose a different path. And you do not have to do it alone.
Counsellors in Victoria, BC
We are counsellors in Victoria, BC. Choose one of our therapists who feels like the best fit for you and your family, and book a free consultation call so we can get you started. Let’s take the next step together toward clarity, calm, and connection right where it matters most.
